You know those sites you check all the time, hoping that there’s some new information with which you can fill your brain (or your time, especially when it’s Monday morning)? Welcome to your new addiction.

It isn’t often that earthquakes make the news, unless the news is catastrophic. I was under the impression that earthquakes happen 2-3 times per month, or every time that Celine Dion appears in the news. I came upon a fascinating site the other day, available at niceone.org which displays the amazing amount of earthquakes over the past seven days. It doesn’t stop there, but displays the size (amplitude) of the earthquake. This goes to show just how inadequate news coverage truly is when it comes to world events. Judging by the size of some of the larger earthquakes (and location), it looks as though you could have a news station just covering earthquakes (EEQ? Earth EarthQuake news?)

All right, back to your workday.

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“It’s my edumucational right – nay, privilege! – to sound like a moron. After all, I have a degree.”

My Credentials: 4 years of College, 1.4 years of University College, 2 years of University, 1 year of Trade School.

I know, I’m a genius.

If you find this impressive, that’s a good test that you might be legally insane or in need of a Psychology Degree from the WAYS Institute of Counseling (WAYS stands for “What, Are You Stupid?!”). I have had good profs, and I have had terrible profs. I have had teachers who have taught me the “genius of their genius” and a few who have shaped my life. As I wind my academic career to a close in 2011 (hopefully never again, lest we forget), I thought it would be important to dispense with my own wisdom about University.

By University standards, I have 7.4 years of University experience (although legally I have a bunch of minor degrees and extraneous classes) and 1 year of “field experience”. So let’s do some University math. Forget the degrees for a moment. Let’s go for the bigger picture. If I have spent a total of 8.4 years at University, then I have completed my Bachelors in University (4 years), Masters in University (2 years) AND LO AND BEHOLD my Doctorate in University (2.4 years).

Again, genius.

I am the first self-awarded, full-fledged Doctor of University. (Please, just call me Shaun. We’re friends and I majored in humility). So with that, here is my thesis on university life. In the spirit of academic honesty, I have taken great pains to plagiarize portions of this, and rewrite a bit, and even add my own thoughts occasionally.

University is a place of Edumucation

Shaun Smith, PhD. and genius-person

University is a grand institution where the flowers grow alongside the trivial knowledge of its students, where white-tailed deer prance alongside the dancing masses of positive-thinking scholars who dispense with their knowledge freely (for a nominal fee, which is not very nominal). In order to be successful in University, there are 6 steps to consider (and follow).

One: Follow the _________ Brick Road

University is a place where you will learn the importance of money. Your money just helped pay for the hoards of laborers laying down stylized bricks (let’s call it the Yellow Brick road to your future success) all across campus. Those perfectly trimmed trees? A president with a private chaffeur? Now you know how importance of your money.

Two: Jibbabbery is THE word

As you prepare your mind for all the wonders that you will learn, remember to keep your mind organized. Here are the two categories of organization that you will need in order to succeed.

One – As you attend class, you will experience several hundred hours of jibber jabber (or jibbabbery). Be careful to pay selective attention. Studies have shown that for every 2,000 hours of intellectual jibbabbery, approximately 2-3 minutes of it will be useful to life. When this occurs, write it in a separate book. You will not need to study this, but it is important. Just not right now.

Two – This is a rather large category called “Get and Forget”. How many lungs does an Amazonian Frog have? Where did John A. Macdonald first jump on the moon? How many backflips did he do? Or, just today I was quizzed on this: What will be the largest city in the world in 2010? These sorts of questions are the ones that will keep you up at night (if you care about marks or your appearance on Jeopardy: the College Edition). Make sure to memorize these carefully in the five minutes before the exam. Don’t daydream at this point. Use all of your resources (coffee, breathing deeply and rapidly, and stretching your fingers) to focus all of your energy on remembering these things. That’s the ‘get’ part. When the day (or exam) is over, forget it even existed.

Three: Hug It Out

If you are to have success at University, pretend you have a passion for English/History/Science/Philosophy. This passion can be developed by repeating phrases such as, I love History or I am passionate about how culture interacts in urbanization through residential structures will help modernify the world. Eventually, that passion will consume you and help you forget that you’ll spend the next few months after graduation working at McDonald’s. The positive side is that, because of your degree, your leadership skills will be “evident” and you’ll probably get promoted to assistant manager within the first six months. And you can cook Amazonian frog legs without burning their sixteen lungs.

Four: Use Your Degree for Offense, never for Defense

After you’ve had some success in University (if ever), you’ll soon realize that classes come in names with -istry, -ology, -osophy or -ational. Make sure to write all of your papers using these endings and include them in conversations with your relatives as much as possible. “Hi, Uncle Bill! I haven’t seen you since Sundayosophy!” He will be puzzled, but too shy to ask why you said such a big word. Consider him impressed. Your degree is working already.

Five: Bob Barker Knows the Way

As you progress through University, you will be asked to choose a degree. This is something that takes a lot of consideration, and should not be chosen poorly. Here is the solution that Universities do not want you to know about. Your degree must be chosen based on the game show that you have watched the most.

If you like Jeopardy, then make sure you enroll in Sciences. You will be forced to master useless facts that, in the end, will make you look really smart.

If you like the Price is Right, consider business. And remember, never overbid on the motorhome, no matter how many Country Music Festivals you can see it taking you to.

If you enjoy The Weakest Link, consider English. However, if you are a) male or b) even remotely religious, consider anything else. Unless you want to major in Persecution. If you are a) female and b) nonreligious or anti-religious, welcome home. Your next four years will be full of joy and joyness. And thinly veiled anger.

If you like the spinning wheel in Wheel of Fortune, consider Philosophy. Your mantra is now this, “Yes, but…” Find a reason to doubt everything. Keep focused on the fact that in four years, you will walk back into your job at Starbucks. But don’t worry, it’s not reality.

If you enjoy Japanese game shows in Japanese without subtitles, choose sociology. Sociology is the study of how to sound like adult Teletubbies using incredibly long words to utter even simple statements. Hence, thus, as a result of coinciding opinion, your opinion has been academically transmogrified into a bastion of learned stumblings.

If Deal or No Deal is your thing, so is Psychology. When you are being tested on dreams and rats, you will forced to choose psychological theories that you will never hear of again. When in doubt, quote Junta said this, or Punta forsooth that…

Six: Buy a Hula Hoop

No matter your program, there is one study trick to keep as the foremost practice in your studies. It’s academically referred to as Hoop the Hula.
1 | During the semester, write down everything your prof says and everything in the textbooks (there will be several textbooks, remember rule one The Importance of Money).
2 | Buy a nice calligraphic pen and a hula hoop from Wal-mart.
3 | Take several hours, duct taping all of your notes and textbooks to your hula hoop.
4 | Jump through Hula Hoop.
5 | Class accomplished!

Now go! Enroll! You are now ready to don the colors of your school ($95), and jump alongside the gazelles of enlightenment ($45, plus parking)!

-Shaun Smith, PhD. of University
*feel free to pay your tuition by clicking on an ad.

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Here we are. It’s a Monday, a beginning of the week. I’m sitting in Geography class on this particular Monday morning, listening to a presented video with three sound tracks attached to it (and one of them is country!). So I’m starting this week at the very bottom.

But to be encouraging, I’d like to share with you a few great moments of creativity. There is one area on the internet and in digital media that takes its branding seriously – and that is in the area of wines. Most of us don’t have a clue what makes a good wine, so we truly go with whatever label looks the coolest. Hence, good design is important to wineries. In three weeks, I’ll be back in Canada’s wine country (Niagara). For now, I can dream on my Monday morning.

Hand Drawn Goodness

I can appreciate the work that goes into a hand drawn label, so I truly appreciate a wine company that would invest in branding like this.

Beware of Fruit Juice

I don’t think I’d want to actually drink this wine, because it reminds me of a fruit juice bottle. Perhaps this is a Monday wine…

Just Cool

I frequently rant against “designers” who are so full of innovative ideas, but this bottle is cool, especially when you consider what you’d normally pick up at your local wine store.

Can’t Drink Just One

This bottle is a stroke of genius. If you buy one of these bottles, you’ll be curious to buy them all. After all, no one likes a half-finished puzzle.

Shout out to the Rowaans

I’ve got some friends in the Niagara Region who are bee farmers, so I can appreciate the work that goes into wine.

Wine for Geeks

I’m not sure that I want my wine to be related to computers, but I still like black bottles.

Naked Wine

The best designs are the simplest. I’m always preaching that the best logos are the ones that try not to say too much. Just. Keep. It. Simple.

Drinking in the Art Gallery

This bottle reminds me of an art gallery (in a good way). I’m drawn to the shapes and styles of the bottle.

Moonshine for Winos

This bottle makes me laugh.

Don’t Touch

I like these designs so much that I would never drink what is inside. These would be the centerpiece that is on display on my shelves every spring.

Buy it for the Box

Yeah, yeah, the wine is good. But look at the packaging!

Wine…shots?

I’ve had wine from a box. From a bottle. But never from something that looked like this.

Blind Brilliance

Coolest. Bottle. Ever.

Don’t Get a Sliver

We get involved with words too much sometimes.

Don’t Drink with Hunters

Yeah, I realize that these bottles are lined up perfectly, and will never look this good in a store. But it still looks cool. Wine bottle collecting anyone?

Plane Ticket to Escape

Try this on your next flight.

Here’s Looking at You

Ever notice how we don’t put modern people on wine bottles? No one wants to look at someone looking at another week of work, right?

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This morning I awoke to the reminder that the newest Mac store is opening in Edmonton. It was on the front page of the Edmonton Journal. We already have another one, which brings us to a grand total of two. Only Toronto, Vancouver (?), and Edmonton have two Mac stores in their entire cities, so that means we’re special, people will randomly cheer for us, and the grass is greener when we walk on it. Thank you, Apple.

I wasn’t surprised to see a few die-hard Mac fans waiting in cars and in the mall from the day previous (I believe the technical term is “camp out”, although you’re not allowed to have campfires and raccoons aren’t anywhere near your campsite) waiting for the opportunity to the be the first in the door. Some people waited 21 hours in line. And of course, there were light blue t-shirts for the first 1,000 people.

All this wonderful Mac news for the city of Edmonton, so I figured I should get in on the action. After all, the Light Rail Transit travels right past the store, so I figured I should pay homage (and get a shirt). After all, this is Apple!

Oh, I should mention, the NEW IPAD WAS THERE TOO! Now available in Canada! Wow! Something I didn’t know existed, but I now need!

So I hopped off the train, walked into the mall, and there it was…the new Mac store (this is condensed. I actually got lost twice and went in the wrong direction). And as I walked in, there was only one thing on my mind…“this is an awful lot like the other Mac store.” In fact, it pretty much is the Mac store. “And the computers and everything for sale…I’ve seen this before.” I can’t imagine a true-blue die-hard camper ever thinking that. I rebuked myself and walked in.

Immediately I knew there was something different about this store. Something that looked like an iPod but bigger. Sort of like when you throw little rocks in a lake, eventually you want a really big one that splashes everyone and makes a big Kersplooosh! So, I looked, and looked, and then I noticed that everyone was crowded around these large iPod devices, that reminded me of bigger versions them.

I should backtrack for a moment. I like Apple. I like Apple products. But I like what they do for me, not just owning them because then I’m somehow cooler and people applaud me and the grass gets greener under my feet. So when I saw the iPad, and how people camped out for them last night (or bought them in advance), waited 21 hours in line, I gasped (someone in front of me was wearing perfume). And then I breathed again.

Not to say iPads aren’t great. I’m absolutely certain they are because I really like my iPod. But for those few who have to have it right now, it’s sort of a little…sad? It’s like we’re caught up in consumerism, and we’ve bought fully into it. I walked straight to the table with lots of people around them, and tried out the iPad.

Wonderful. Excellent. Wonderment. Or something a little less. Yes, mac fans, the iPad is cool. It’s so much smaller than my laptop, and will permanently remove this hump from my back from lugging around my 3 pounds of MacBook Pro. And it’s so much bigger than my iPod, which clearly isn’t large enough because not everyone can see when I have one. Eventually, I might buy an iPad, but not for the reasons that people are screaming about. My clients don’t really care whether they view my digital creations on a laptop, an iPad, or a Bright Light display (THAT would be revolutionary). I’m not yet blind enough that I need backlighting to read a book. I don’t need more apps for my apps, or even another smaller computer to lug around, or to be seen (and heard) with the latest gadget from a super-cool company that has marketed itself very well. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got.

Or maybe I’m just deluded because I didn’t get a light blue t-shirt with a little apple on it.

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I like logos, especially when they’re creative. I’ve found that, no matter the area of business or marketing, people are quite content with an ugly logo. Clients often feel they need to communicate everything about their business in one logo, and they have to make it blatantly obvious. Sort of life Christian movies. Nothing can be left open to interpretation. Logos like these should be categorized as caveman clubs, because all they do is beat you with message.

I don’t think anything is much cooler than a good coffee logo. When you walk into a coffee shop, it’s all about the experience. And if your week is like mine, you need something extra to keep you moving until the end of Friday. With that, I’ve found 15 pretty cool coffee logos to help keep you on the straight and narrow, and perhaps inspire you that last little bit.

Bringing the funk, like the originality:

Easily my favorite logo of the bunch:

Although this rings in at a close second:

And if coffee logos don’t help you today, perhaps this one will (as a last resort).

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. [Albert Einstein]

If you’re in Canada, you just experienced the rare phenomenon known as The May Long Weekend. It’s an annual holiday in Canada (officially known as Victoria day) where campers enter into the “summer” and experience their first taste of camping. Judging by how many campers I passed on the highway coming from my cabin, I’d say much of this part of Canada (Alberta) at least attempted to sit around a fire and eat marshmallows.

However, if you’re a new Canadian citizen, or haven’t tried camping before, I believe it would be fair to allow the May Long Camping Experience to be a part of the Canadian citizenship requirements. Here’s why:

1 – Camping on May Long Weekend allows each Canadian citizen to experience every season of Canada. Winter? Yes, it usually snows on May Long Weekend. Sure, it can be +30 degrees Celcius in the weeks (and days) before (as it was this year, where we had snow one week, +30 the next, and frost the next). It also will be very sunny and warm on May Long (but only for a few minutes, before surprisingly strong winds sweep across, reminding us of Spring). As you’re gathering your camping chairs and lawn darts, and frisbees from the neighbors campsite, fall (or Autumn) will be ushered in in the coolness of breeze that brings calm to the shifting winds. It is at this moment that you’ll meet your neighbor(s) of the campsite, who turn out to be very nice.  You’ll remark that the winds have calmed somewhat, and perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.  That’s how you’ll go to bed in your tent the first night (also cursing yourself for trying the camping experience). The next day of camping will bring a cold front down from a place that you can only picture as icebergs and polar bears, and at that point you’ll be tempted to pack it in. Don’t listen to these American voices! Let everyone else (including your neighboring campsites, no matter how nice they are) pack up and grumble. The minute that they are on the road, the clouds will part and sunshine will be ushered in (welcome to Summer). At this point, you’ll experience the best camping of your May Long Weekend life, and you’ll come back year after year for the same experience.

2 – Frustration and Elation. These are two key emotions to the Canadian citizen.  These emotions do not frequently present themselves in summer, but rather show up towards the end of winter and through spring.   As a young citizen of Canada, you will likely experience these two emotions in the most extreme sense of the word.  Generally, young Canadians do not have the means to extricate themselves from the problem of Canadian weather, so they frequently endure the frustration of a perfect day spoiled by a freak storm (usually characterized by promises of +25 degree weather, a trip to the lake, and a horrible gust of Arctic air that brings sleet, snow, and a few angry penguins).  As a Canadian gets older, they wisely deal with their frustration by visiting Expedia.ca and flying down to Palm Springs.  This is called the Snow Bird effect, and is a sign that a Canadian has built in a counseled plan of living in a geographic location with consistent weather, such as your friendly neighboring desert (south Alberta does NOT count here).  When an older Canadian begins to repeat the phrase “Floridda”, “Feeenix”, or “Copocabana”, that is generally a sign that the Snow Bird effect has him or her in its grip, and the nearest travel agent should be called in.

3 – Endurance.  This is one trait that Canadians love.  Especially Canadian employers.  If you find yourself on a May Long Weekend camping trip, then chances are you will arrive at Tuesday feeling ripped off, like you need a vacation, and you might as well take it this week to compensate for the horrible long weekend.  That’s fair.  Canadian employers will expect that (and should, unless they are an older Canadian and have already ventured to Snow Bird land).  In this case, most Canadian workers will endure the rest of the work week, muttering under their breath on their way to their most unproductive week in the history of unproductive weeks.  Feel free to learn the grumble of Canadian Long Weekenders.  It’ll make you seem like you’re choosing to move past injustice, choosing to serve the Canadian company for which you work, and you’ll get to experience the most creative ways that you can not work while being at work (think beyond extra hours of “networking”…think organizing your desktop folders by the colors of the Canadian seasons and duct tape art).

THAT will teach Canadian weather to mess with your hard-earned Long Weekend.  It might even get you willing to try it all again next year.

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