There is nothing more agonizing than the days before a long weekend (except for the days after a long weekend). You stare at the clock, you do some mindless work, you envision what you’re going to do this weekend, and eventually, you find yourself staring back at the clock. If you belong to the work environment that believes in analog clocks, the hands of the clock seem that they’re stuck, so much so that someone inevitably asks if the batteries still work. They do. I’m not sure if these are tips, or suggestions, or just my way of filling time until the long weekend strikes. At any rate, this will fill your time until the long weekend arrives, and you can bank it’ll be at least one minute closer after you’re finished reading.

Activities to Usher in the Long Weekend: the pre-long weekend edition

1. Appreciate the shapes and lines of the clock that you are staring at (preferably the one with hands). Go through each number, stating why you like the way that number is formed. “I like the 1, because it reminds me that I have one day remaining of mind-numbing, rubber-stamping, endlessly meeting employment.” Say these out loud in a monotone voice, preferably within earshot of other employees.

2. Do not daydream. That only leads to spontaneous tears of frustration. But if you must, act out your daydreams. Dive in the lake, lay on the beach, the limit is only in your imagination.

3. Remember those staff-building activities? NOW is the time to bring them out! What’s more fun than playing leapfrog down the office stairs?

4. Straighten your paper clips. And after you’re done straightening them, build a really cool slingshot that can theoretically hit the cubicle located furthest from yours. Declare war, and build alliances with those closest to you.

5. See how much water you can drink in an hour, and then try and break that record. It’s not only healthy, it really becomes fun at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

6. Show the office manager a “really great new interfacing program”. Make sure it contains a mild virus, or something that is really annoying and takes you the next 4 hours to get rid of. Apologize after, and suggest that they get better virus protection.

7. Take an online quiz about bacon. Send this quiz around to co-workers. I had this happen once, and it brought the team together with tears and joyness, and led us to the greatest profits of the quarter.*
* – didn’t happen, but we learned more about ourselves through bacon

8. Japanese game shows! This is one sure-fire way to bring together all your designers, programmers, writers, and financial guys into one common purpose. Again, it’s all about team-building!

9. Carry a note, not a tune. Just one note, sung at the top of your lungs, with your mouth shaped like an opera singer’s (think projection!). Then walk through the entire office and into the bathroom, whereupon you’ll switch notes after about 10 seconds.

10. Make a Wikipedia document about your workplace. I’ve mentioned this before, but I worked with a great team of individuals at my work who graciously let me fill in wiki details about ‘sweat shop’, describing the place that I worked. Not only did I keep my job, it stayed on wiki for about 30 minutes! Go team!

11. Someone’s got a birthday! And if they don’t, they do now! Bring in a cake with an extra icing tube and write a random co-worker’s name on it. Surprise them with a mid-day birthday bash. And eat cake.

12. Go for an hour of silence. Use Sticky-notes to communicate.

13. Page yourself on the intercom, but give yourself important titles. I think this helped me get promoted when I worked at Staples a long time ago.

14. Scream at the top of your lungs. But only if there’s more than one person working with you. See how many people you can scare today.

15. The InterOffice Bobsled Team. Except with rolling chairs. Choose your teammates wisely, especially if you have Olympic aspirations.

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I mean no disrespect, but earthworms are gross when they’re dead.

I have been revisited by another earthworm in my office, lying dead on my floor, partially crushed by my office chair rollers. Gross. And today again, with the religious significance of earthworms, the repercussions have been immediate and earth-shattering. In the Edmonton Journal, under the Breaking News section, I have learned of an event that will change my life forever.

Meat Loaf has canceled their show in Edmonton.

Remember Meat Loaf? They sang that song about the time when they did stuff? I’ll admit, I bought a Meat Loaf CD about 20 years ago, mostly because I forgot my brother’s birthday and picked two random CDs from Radio Shack. I remember being very disappointed that the Meat Loaf CD smelled like new plastic, and nothing like my mother’s homemade meatloaf (I must have been ahead of the marketing game at this point). This got me thinking about other completely irrelevant events that have transpired lately. I’ll leave out 99% of my experience in University (and will spare you the sorrow) and instead focus on other events of irrelevance that are sure to change your life:

1-Celine Dion went to École Berlitz in 1989 to polish her English. Ironically, this is also the year that President George H. W. Bush bans the importation of assault rifles into the United States.

2-Barney the dinosaur’s theme song is Barney is a dinosaur. I can’t believe that the show has been criticized for lack of educational value.

3-A booger is defined by children everywhere as an enjoyable green snack to be picked only when ripe, or somewhat crunchy. The second definition of booger is “a ghost or hobgoblin, used to frighten children.” Perhaps the booger is the ultimate snack, filling childrens’ bellies while elevating their heart rate in fear. Move over, peanut butter.

4-Bok choy has been found to be good for you in small doses, and toxic in large doses. In other news, air is good for you, but breathing really fast for long periods of time will make you pass out.

5-Last night, Disneyland steamed cleaned it cobblestone streets like it does every night.

6-The average American uses 50 pounds of toilet paper per year which is 50% more than Western countries or Japan. Surely, this is a sign that McDonald’s is a good source of fiber.

7-Chris Farley was originally supposed to be the voice of Shrek, but he died. The world weeps over the loss of a cartoonified Tommy Boy.

8-There are about 3,500 species of mosquitoes found throughout the world. And 90% lie in wait for you to start a campfire.

9-Winston Churchill’s partial dentures, which were designed to hide his lisp, recently sold for $24,000. Difficult choice – feed the poor or purchase an additional set of teeth that have chomped on cigars and gnashed at Hitler?

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When in doubt, haiku it out. A haiku for you (that’s a rhyme) on my current World History class:

losing of mind and

soul sanity time hope life

i can google this

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Author’s Preface (and Caution): I have one remaining English class left in my degree, and I hope to escape with the belief that words are actually meant to communicate. So I am taking my one remaining English class, as of last week taught by a down-to-earth, truth-speaking professor, who actually lives in the real world.

Then the missile of the Ivory tower arrived. My prof went on conference in my one remaining English class and was replaced by the Stereotype of English (SoE for short). My prof is now expounding on a book she admittedly hasn’t yet read, but laughing about the “indignity of it all lying in the subconscious of the author, haHA!” My previously solid reasoning is now being replaced with a love for the flamboyant, a depth of reading into the great mysteries of life in small words that, when read upside down, compel me to a cry of “Huzzah!” as I uncover the gemstones of truth and fling my scarf to the heavens.

Pardon any potentially sexist and stereotyping language, or other political uncorrectness in my observation of the English Department at University (I won’t mention my University, based on the fact I might be sued – sued for writing by an English Department, now THAT’s irony!). Just so it’s clear, and my sarcasm isn’t hinting at anything offensive, I’ll just be straightforward in saying that my opinion (and not fact) is that University English departments can be sexist, irrelevant, and more flamboyant than Richard Simmons discovering the Speedo. I suppose you could call that my thesis.

How to Succeed in University English

1. Completely divest yourself of your opinions. You now have none. If you must venture forth an opinion (this is unfortunate for you), make sure it is completely in line with what the professor would say, or couched in enough verbosity that no one with less than ten beers in them will understand a word you are saying. If you need further help, watch only the Paula Abdul segments on American Idol.

2. Buy a scarf. Make it lengthy, and flingable. Don’t go for comfort or the emo factor, but instead make it match with your hair, shoes, or glasses. Consider this formula for success: If your hair matches your scarf, go with antiestablishment English and be prepared to get angry at subsections of society you never knew existed before. If glasses + scarf match, choose poetic English. You’ll look awesome while prancing in class to the music of the piccolo and the lyrics of Tennyson. If shoes + scarf match, take grammar. The dork-look will give you authority while frustratedly arguing that most people in society can’t even take the time to punctuate properly, preferring to “Ugh” as neanderthals with their endless texting, short bursts of Twittery, and painting violent depictions of killing zebras with spears on the insides of their caves. If your scarf happens to match all three, move yourself into the classics of English and adopt a slight British accent. If you are not interested in scarves, perhaps another education option is open to you.

3. Proclaim a deep undying love for poetry. Quote Chaucer if you can. Say things like “wrath of God, haHA!” or “compositions lost without spell check,” but only if you emphasize all Ts and Ks as though trying to spit on the back wall of a classroom.

4. Put emotionality into ALL of your sentences. You must be able to cry and laugh in the same sentence, even while speaking to the prof about the awful diarrhea you had last night. Call it the human struggle.

5. Giggle. But in a low, smoky voice. Sort of a guggle. If it makes the room uncomfortable when you laugh, you’re hitting the right notes.

6. If life hands you lemons, go ahead and make lemonade. But if you are remotely religious and life hands you a whole pile of classes from an English department, go ahead and make yourself a keg of persecution. But don’t stress over it, because it’s all in the spirit of open-mindedness and tolerance. It would seem that learning about the beauty of English is to learn about the oppressive nature of religion. Give yourself -20% if you are religious, +10% if you are spiritual. Unless your religion is worshiping light bulbs that speak to you when you’re eating corn flakes in front of patio full of little elves and dancing pixies, then consider the consequences of speaking with a thoughtful mind and an open heart.

7. Never refer to an author by name. Instead, throw in an “esque” to their name. That will make you sound way smarter(esque). As in, “your understanding of Plato is rather Barneyesque. Consider throwing yourself off a bridge in a Tim Burtonesque fashion.”

8. If you are a male, take this opportunity to invest in a more feminine style of clothing. It will save you at least one layer of skin and keep you from instantly combusting in the learning environment.

9. When in doubt, spell it out. And while you’re spelling it out, add about 4,000 more words just to give it some punch.

10. Flighty, unclear, mind-numbing phrases are to clear communication as European commuter trains are to fainting goats. The European commuter train always wins.

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The internet is over.

I knew it wouldn’t last. I predicted it.

Since the dawn of dial-up, it was obvious that the internet was on a downward slope. After all, who wants to wait for news when you can get it delivered on your doorstep every morning?

And then came the introduction of high-speed internet. If we’re honest, the internet was on a heart monitor by this time. After all, who wants their news immediately when you can get it delivered on your doorstep every morning?

By the time you read this, the internet will have gone the way of the Teletubbies, the Qin Dynasty (221-206BCE), and the relevance of Shania Twain.

Need proof? All right, skeptic, there is no greater authority on Apple products than a guy named Steve Jobs. If there was one guy you’d want for tech support, it’d be him. Just like there’s no greater authority on chopsticks than Mr. Miyagi. And, in the same thought, there is no greater authority on the internet than Mr. Google. Oh, and the artist formerly known Prince.

That’s right, you heard it here. Prince, born Prince Rogers Nelson on June 7, 1958, is a musician who is really good (or so I’ve heard from Wikipedia). He’s the guy responsible for subjecting all of us to great talents such as Carmen Electra and Sinead O’Connor. If that’s not enough to make you want to shave your head and weep over the loss of mullets as a fashion statement, Prince has also recently informed the world that the internet is dead.

Just like video killed the radio star, Prince has singlehandedly destroyed the internet’s future.

Need to see the article? It’s here.

The Daily Telegraph

Disagree with Prince? (are you insane?)

I happen to agree with Prince, no matter what his name was formerly. There’s a few strong pieces of evidence in his favor:

For one, I can’t walk through my screen to get to the internet yet. That means it doesn’t exist. I can walk to see Prince, no matter how many bodyguards he has that will stop me. He’s real.

Secondly, I haven’t received an email in at least 4 minutes. It’s obvious that they’re starting to shut the internet down (probably Prince’s buddies are the ones doing this — Elton John, Celine Dion, and two guys dressed like the twin bodyguards from Ocean’s Eleven).

Thirdly, there’s this bald guy sitting in front me right now, and I can see the reflection of his computer glowing off the side of his head. No matter how hard I try, I can’t surf the internet from the glowing side. So it’s obvious, the internet isn’t growing anymore. I can’t even surf off bald guys’ heads.

Lastly, and most importantly, I have now taken two English classes in University on the wonders of the Internet. If the University English department is teaching it, it has to be irrelevant.

The internet is now officially dead. Consider yourself informed.

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