I haven’t blogged much lately, but it is solely because I have been learning so much in the wonderful pixie-laden realm of university.

Learning. Lurning. Lurrrrning.

And so, I sit here in yet another HIST class, and learn. Mostly, about the state of education. And particularly, the state of my university professor’s voices, who sound like they are straight out of Ferris Bueller’s day off. I believe, on this day of January 27, 2011, that it is time to change the way we approach learning. And so I offer my incredibly depth of wisdom that will revolutionize higher education. We will change it by offering Voice Training for University Professors.

Train Your Voice: The University Professor Edition

1. If your voice blends in to the hum of a vacuum running the background, or a coffee grinder in the morning, or escaping a life-threatening confinement by cutting your arm off (see 127 hours…about the length of a one hour class), you have many university options available. Firstly, put “droner” at the top of your academic resume (that’s a tip, just pay me $5 when you can).
Training Tip: If you are serious about your career, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. You will need to purchase fourteen different types of vacuums. Arrange them in an orchestra-type fashion, leaving room in the middle for the “conductor”. Turn them all on, and practice lecturing in tune with your “orchestra”. If you are tone deaf, don’t be discouraged. Just pick a note and stick with it.

2. If you find yourself in conversation, observe the person you are talking with. If they continually move away, chances are that you’re probably really loud (or bad breath, but that’s #3). You are going to be great in a first year University course, because the lack of interesting dialogue will be covered up by the fact that no one can sleep with someone who sounds like an intelligent buzz saw.
Training Tip: Pavarotti. Celine Dion. People on cell phones on the bus. What do they all have in common?

They’re all really loud. Your job is to be louder than all three. So in your preparation, play Dion on the tv, Pavarotti on your ipod, and have a heated conversation with a randomly dialed person.

3. Bad breath man. Chances are everyone around you knows that you have perpetual bad breath but you. Ask them.
Training Tip: Your job is to inhale echinacea with garlic three times a day until it seeps from your pores. Not only will it keep you from getting sick, body odor becomes your friend. Supplement your diet with a healthy dose of Curry Chips too. I ate a full bag once, and felt that my pores became biological pits similar to that of the seating area in a taxi cab.

4. If you’re angry and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re angry and you know it clap your hands. If you’re angry and you know it and you really want to show it…then feminism literature is for you. (One more time, and really sing it out this time!)
Training Tip: Go out and rent Rocky IV. This will inspire you to run through the snow FASTER than the imperialistic, colonial, oppressive picture of man (Rocky) and beyond the limits of the dogmatic, sexist, authoritarian Russian to reach to new limits (Think Girl Power! Tell me what you want, what you really really want!) Win at all costs! Take no prisoners!

5. If you speak in the middle of a room, and notice that people within 15 feet of you are cringing, you should consider becoming an English professor.
Training Tip: Find random objects in the room to get excited about.* Show your excitement by saying different words in a sentence at different octaves. Now practice: “YELLOW cheese!” [Remember, yellow should be said at a high note, cheese at a lower octave. Try again. “a WONDERMENT to behold that she sees a PIXIE over dust.”

Beautiful. One more. “A brick WALL” (likely representing THE MAN)!

*If this does not work, revert to Shakespeare.

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Hello geniuses.

You’ve managed to log on the most incredible blog of wisdom you will ever encounter. As a self-proclaimed Doctor of University, having spent (or wasted) 8 or 9 years in some form of higher education, I am here to help you, dear student, to survive (perhaps even thrive) your university classes. Today I am experiencing one of the driest history classes in the record of dry history classes (coming to a university near you: HIST 976 – The History of History Classes…WATCH as the professor uses a dry erase marker at least once every FIVE classes…and then TRANSITIONS back into the drone of history…all in ONE class! YOU as a student are NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! Because the lectures will be interrupted by students exclaiming shouts of “GASP!” and “INCREDULOUS!” and “HALLELUJAH, bless you sir!”).

It is little wonder that students are not engaged in any sort of learning in history classes. If a man (or woman) stands on a street corner and rambles on about an event for 1 hour, 20 minutes, most of us will leave him be. That’s called insanity. However, in university, students pay over $500 to listen to the crazy-street-corner standing man (or woman). That’s called tragedy.

So, I want to equip you with the most updated, technologically savvy tips that you will need to to survive your next University History class. Prepare to have your life changed.

Surviving History 101


1. Ask yourself, “What would Chuck Norris do?” Not the current day Chuck Norris, but the one who was able to defend himself from at least seven different types of ninjas in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning.  Chuck ran over bridges without fear.  He sensed ninjas in the trees behind him.  Look around the classroom, there are ninjas everywhere.  And prepare to defend yourself.

2. Wear a sweater. If nothing else it’ll make you feel comfortable. I’m wearing one today.  Chew your collar.  And then, for comparison, chew your sleeve.  Does it taste different?  (if it does, it’s time to do a wash)  I’ve just burned 2 minutes of your time.

3. Buy a guitar tuner. Try and match the guitar tone to the professor’s drone. See if he’s in tune and, if not, suggest that he try a different key.

4. Have a favorite number picked out, but don’t make it a single digit. Your professor is about to expect that you will be aware of irrelevant statistics of how many people owned small dogs with intestinal problems due to overurbanization in 1968. I’ve chose 98, and I’ve managed to say it three times this class.

How high was the divorce rate in 1950 in Canada?

98!

How high was the birth rate in Canada on Tuesdays of 1943?

Ninety-eight!

You’ll look like a genius.

5. Bring an audio translator.  Lift it high in the air, and allow it to translate your professor’s lecture into Arabic.  Hand in the transcript after class for bonus marks.

6. Bring at least five bags of potato chips, preferable the really noisy Sun Chips bags.  Pick out four other students beside you, making sure that they can keep rhythm.  Distribute the bags and pretend you’re in a band.  The person with the rhythm is on drums.

7. You’ll need a pair of glittery red shoes.  If the prof calls on you, close your eyes and click your heels three times repeating, “There’s no place like home.”  Sit near the aisle so you can show off your shiny red shoes.

8. Bring a day planner!  Remove the binder ring/phone cord thingy.  Fold each page in half and see how many levels you can make on your tower.  Current 2011 record – 4 levels!

9. Be environmentally friendly.  Instead of buying a big binder to take notes in, buy three colors of post it notes.  Green means important.  Yellow is for factoids such as the minute that the last bullet of World War II was fired from a gun without dust on it (hint: think Monday).  And pink is extraordinarily hard to read from, so use those on your fellow student’s foreheads at random moments during the class.  Throw the green post-it notes away.

10.  Haikus are crucial to learning.  Make statements in class structured only in haiku. The rhythm of such wonderful poetry will lull the class into bliss, making them appreciate your input and vote you as “most likely to succeed at therapeutic counseling, working on CBC Radio 3 or hypnotizing Celine Dion and suggesting that she appear on the next Teletubbies movie.

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The problem with history is that there is no warm up. No stretching exercises. You warmup for gym class, right? Algebra? What about French literature?

But never for History. Why is that?

You end up going to class and being lulled into oblivion with no warmup. No wonder it hurts! So let me save you the pain and agony of your slide into semi-consciousness. Consider this your warmup lap.

You’re welcome.

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…are necessary. And fun.

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I’m in my thirties now. I have moved beyond the complaining years of my twenties, where I found that “something that sucks” related to anything I wasn’t interested in or didn’t want to put the effort into. I should be mature now. Right?

Since I’ve gone back to school, I’ve found (and shared) my thoughts on “higher” education. So if you’re a faithful reader, expect a few more sarcastic offerings on my perspectives on university (of which, you’ll remember, I have a self-appointed doctorate of university). Which brings me to my experience in this last semester. I treat education as my job because, in the end, it will hopefully get me a job. And while I sit here, in my first class of the semester, I have listened to a deeply monotoned professor talk about toasters and ice boxes in the 1940s for 43 minutes. Deeply passionate, I suspect. But nothing is translated into words. Or perhaps too much is translated into words, and that is the problem. The drone of the lecture is the favored format in University circles, as if by expounding on the greatness of suburbanization and how it affects my ability to eat a three-year old cheeseburger will change my eating habits as an individual.

Or perhaps it will. Perhaps I’m just complaining, and when I listen to slow speaking droning, it is much the same as when I listen to CBC radio – in the background, as filler, while I go about my day. For now, allow me to bless your day with a quickly crafted desktop freebie containing an important life lesson. Enjoy.

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“It’s the most wonderful tiiiime of the year.” -Bing Crosby

By now, you’ve heard an endless popping and zinging of fireworks, followed by gaudy parades and heartfelt communities singing national anthems on both sides of the border. The first was observed in Canada, celebrating a whole pile of years of being united in a cold country surrounded by polar bears on one side and prairie dogs on another. This was followed by even more intense (read: bigger fireworks and hats) celebration in the States, celebrating a whole bunch more years of not fighting with each other under the banner of bombs bursting in air and the red glare of rockets. And of course, we are now at the end of the week long celebrations, all finding their fulfillment in observance of a National Geniushood Day.

Let me explain how National Genius Day came to be. It is a long-observed Welsh tradition where families gather around campfires and coffeeshops and proclaim that I am a genius. The historical root of the Day occurred this morning when I was interacting with my history professor in University. In front of the class, I was arguing a historical position and used air quotes to emphasize my point. I sat down, and reflected on what I had just said, and realized that I completely misused the air quotes, and that I hadn’t made an ounce of sense. The genius of my genius, however, was that my prof took the time to disseminate my point, observing my interesting perspective of history, and even used the air quotes in the same manner I did. Thus, National Genius Day was born.

So Happy National Geniushood Day everyone! The ‘I’ in I am a Genius stands for me, of course, and not you. So really the holiday should be renamed to Shaun is a Genius Day of National Happiness. And the Shaun refers only to me.

If you’re looking to celebrate this national holiday (and you should, for the sake of your children and your children’s children), there are a few important doctrines to consider. One, I am really smart. Not of the ordinary, wow, that guy invented Kleenex smart, but smart enough to create a national holiday celebrating my genius. This has never been attempted before, if you disregard Victoria Day in Canada (first Monday before May 24) and National Pickle Day in the United States (November 14).

Secondly, take some time in your day to acknowledge my geniushood. Gather the family around a campfire, and lead your kids by example. Utter phrases like, The smartness of Shaun astounds my mortal brain. Your kids will be encouraged by your humility, and amazed by the sheer genius of me. Don’t spend more than four hours at this. After all, there are presents to unwrap.

Last, feel free to give me a call or email (or comment) about just how high I am on the smartosity scale. This kind gesture will help you to remember your place in the world, and more importantly, my place too. If for some reason you’ve not observed the holiday to its fullest measure, don’t feel bad. Celebrate it tomorrow too. After all, Happy National Genius Day comes only once a year, but it should be acknowledged every day in our hearts.

So go out, start a campfire in your backyard, and enjoy your celebrations and traditions surrounding this majestic holiday. Happy Shaun is a Genius Day of National Happiness everyone! Fireworks commence!

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Everyone knows that great athletes stretch before they play the big game. Hockey players skate around the ice. Basketball players do arm bendy-thingys. Badminton players…well, they probably just play. Consider this the “warm up” for your brain as you get ready to produce the next amazing innovation that will astound the world. And wear a head band. It’ll make you look sporty.

Winner Takes All

The Plotline of Most Romance Movies

MacGyver the Snail

Irony

Bet You Ten Bucks Paula Abdul is In There

Probably a Large Market for This…

When Life Hands You Beach Balls…[oh dear]

Endorsed by Parent Magazine

Nickelback Still Sounds Terrible

Where’s Aunt May?

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“Earthworms produce what is probably the most valuable poop in the world.”
           -actual quote from allaboutworms.com

If you haven’t been paying attention lately, the world changed on June 31 when I switched the right shoe of a traditionally monogamous pair of shoes at Sport Chek. (refer to this article to revisit when the world changed).

I’m sure you’ve noticed the results of this change as well, but I didn’t expect the changes to be so swift. Yesterday, the changed universe paid a visit to my doorstep (doorstoop? doorstoopoppery?) and announced that it had changed.

At the time of the visit, I was studying for yet another fruitful* and useful** exam in pursuit of my Bachelor of Education degree. After looking at academic jibbabber for at least 10 minutes straight (ok, there were a few breaks in there), I looked up to find a spectre not unlike the Ghost of Christmas Past, except that it was an earthworm. Not on my binder, wiggling around, doing the wonderful things that earthworms do (fetch!). But in the front cover of my binder – in between the white cover and the clear plastic “here’s where I put my front cover” section. He was trying to make a home in the educational jibbabber of my binder. I say was because he was also very dead.

It was a sign.

So I did my very best impression of the learnedness I had experienced in academic circles. I took some time out of my day (okay, I was in class) and researched the significance of earthworms. Particularly, I searched out the religious significance of earthworms.

There was none.

So, in the Paula Abdulian belief that I can do anything, I hereby proclaim that earthworms are a sign of intestinal fortitude, good exam marks, and that someone will give you (me, actually) a million dollars this week (if you have eaten bread in the past 48 hours, it’s probably you). But this sign is only binding if they crawl into your binder (unforced) and die.

In support of this theory, (because that’s what we do in academia circles…we think up a theory that is difficult to follow without drugs, and then find all the supporting evidence we can possibly find that isn’t on Wikipedia…) I began to look for areas in my life that could prove my intestinal fortitude, great exam marks, or large black cases full of unmarked bills totalling a cool million. During the process of my research over the past hour, I reviewed my exam (because, as I said, I’m in class) that I literally guessed approximately 60% of the multiple choice answers on. Don’t judge me though – I studied, but my professor thinks of the learning process as a nonmusical, non-Alex Trebekian version of Jeopardy. So the facts are entirely random, like the year that Lagos, Nigeria experienced a population explosion (anyone know?).

As a result of guessing 60% of the time, vaguely recalling about 25%, and heartily (but quietly-ish) laughing out loud during the exam, I achieved the remarkable score of 85%.

Hence the earthworm.

So as a result of changing the universe a few days ago, I am now reaping the results. Earthworms are flocking to my binders (and by flock, I mean one divided into a bunch of pieces…hence flock), I’m expecting a million dollars, and I can eat hot-sauce perogies without any fear of soiling myself.

Or it might be that earthworms are happiest when they are surrounded by dirt and fecal matter, and the most valuable poop in the world was in my geography binder.

*fruitful meaning not fruitful
**useful meaning unuseful, disuseful, or like hearing Celine Dion argue with George W. Bush on the prospects of climate change.

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The Japanese are known for their amazing game shows (and lack of lawsuits because of these game shows) and they’re probably just the thing to get you over the Wednesday hump. Suggest a game like this to your coworkers today!

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Ever have one of those moments where it would be extremely inappropriate to laugh? Like a funeral of a family member, at work during a board meeting, or at festival of music starring a line up of Shania Twain, Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion? These illustrations are simple, well-done, and darkly funny. Let them help you to sit through the fifth hymn of the service, that arduous board meeting, or through one more “wonderful” profusion of happy happiness from Celine’s heart to yours.

Just When You Thought Lego Was Safe

The Truth about Nessie

In Defense of the Professional Education System

Global Warming is not the Issue

I’d Only Watch for the Crashes…

Dream Bigger

WWMD…the true WMDs

Even Swiss Cheese is Multifunctional

The Dreams of a Generation

Global Warming Solves Everything

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This morning I was driving to work, and the motorcycle guy behind me was weaving back and forth (in a good way), and was dancing around on his bike. It made me smile, especially as everyone was trying to pass him to get to work. Sometimes it’s good to change things up. You go to work, fill in the required documents and head home. I find that changing it up keeps things creative or, at the very least, offers some stress release in my day. Not all of these are original to me, but I’ve added or created most of them with a smile on my face. I would recommend trying one today (but don’t blame the results on me).

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR DAY MORE

(“guaranteed” to make you a more productive person in the workplace)

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.” Mention this at least 4 times, each time with a firm voice.

3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. I have a friend who has a glass eye, and he thinks it’s funny to sneeze and pop out his eye. For the record, I think it’s funny too.

4. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Preferably on a rug in your office. Then call out for “clean up in aisle six!” until someone responds.

5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running HIGH in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

6. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss. On a side note, I once created a wikipedia article on sweat shops in describing my last place of work. Then I emailed it to my boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.” Then fold your hands in a prayer pose. Think of it as exercise.

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clapping your hands together like its the end of a scene in a movie. Make sure to do this especially loudly after a medium to serious conversation has taken place.

10. Disassemble your pen and “bomb” the ink cartridge across the room. Pretend to be ecstatic when you found that your catapult works.

11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Who doesn’t do this every day?

12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that it helps you view the movie from the director’s chair.

13. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

14. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. Record it on a computer and play it back to make sure you got the noise just right.

15. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

16. TYPE EVERY EMAIL IN UPPERCASE AND INSIST ON IMMEDIATE RESPONSES TO EACH ONE OF THEM.

17. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

18. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. As you are passing others, make sure you are skipping in close proximity.

19. Ask people what gender they are. When they respond, say “Huh. Cool.” and walk away.

20. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Assure people that your presentation skills are excellent because you have an Education degree.

21. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. If they do, dance around an imaginary fire.

22. Sing along at the opera. Or flip through every radio station in the car and beat box to each song you hear.

23. When you are talking with co-workers, make sure to take copious notes of what they are saying. Have them sign it at the end of the conversation.

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“It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t like I meant to do it.”
[Shaun Smith, changer of the universe]

Today I changed the universe as I know it. You’ve probably heard the expression “When a butterfly flaps its wings on one side of the world, it causes earthquakes on another side.” I may have butchered it, but essentially the saying is that everything in the world is connected in some way. Sort of like a cars crashing on a busy highway, or Celine Dion being associated with sinking ships.

I was shopping for shoes and came across a really nice pair in under 20 minutes. And they were on sale. I took a spin (not literally…I just walked in them around the store) in my new shoes and they were comfortable. The chances of these things happening are about as remote as having a really sexy driver’s license photo. It was like I was secretly in a shoe ad for Sport Chek. I was in the zone, as their ads say, and my shoes were going to lead me to great things.

Then it happened. I noticed that the right shoe wasn’t cut the same way the left shoe was. A factory defect. So I did what any innocent shopper would do…I asked if there were any other size 13 shoes in that style. The girl walked to the back and, lo and behold, they did. Who on earth stocks more than one pair of size 13s? Shoe shopping for me has always been a matter of picking ten different shoes that I sort of like and hoping that the store has one of them in a size 13. “Sir, we don’t have that style of shoe available in that style in 13. Would you like these pink ones instead?”

“Absolutely. They bring out the color in my eyes.”

Back in the present, I sat with my two boxes of size 13 shoes and compared them. Did I mention that I really liked the original left shoe? That sounds like I’m trying to justify what I did, but mostly I’m recording it for posterity. Remember, this is where the world changed.

I did a little look around the store, kind of secretly, and I exchanged the right shoe with the poor cut for the right shoe with the really good cut. That’s right. I took the right shoe’s partner and I gave him (they’re male, they’re my shoes) a new partner. I felt kind of guilty (really!), like I had broken up a lifelong relationship or had destroyed some long standing ritual observed by Nike, Asics, and the like. I heard factory-loud alarm bells going off at shoe factories in Nicaragua, China, and just over the border in Mexico. Their collective flashing-red factory warning lights and people gasping in disbelief echoed through my soul. Who knows, perhaps each pair of shoes is weighted differently and the person who gets the other pair will suffer a career ending injury due to shoe weight-balance issues. Maybe one of Canada’s future Olympians will pick up that shoe, stumble because they’re not a “perfect” match and lose out on Owning the Podium: The Summer Edition. They should come with a warning label, really.

It’s not my fault, really. But I just wanted to let you know who changed the world today.

I did.

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