I haven’t blogged much lately, but it is solely because I have been learning so much in the wonderful pixie-laden realm of university.

Learning. Lurning. Lurrrrning.

And so, I sit here in yet another HIST class, and learn. Mostly, about the state of education. And particularly, the state of my university professor’s voices, who sound like they are straight out of Ferris Bueller’s day off. I believe, on this day of January 27, 2011, that it is time to change the way we approach learning. And so I offer my incredibly depth of wisdom that will revolutionize higher education. We will change it by offering Voice Training for University Professors.

Train Your Voice: The University Professor Edition

1. If your voice blends in to the hum of a vacuum running the background, or a coffee grinder in the morning, or escaping a life-threatening confinement by cutting your arm off (see 127 hours…about the length of a one hour class), you have many university options available. Firstly, put “droner” at the top of your academic resume (that’s a tip, just pay me $5 when you can).
Training Tip: If you are serious about your career, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. You will need to purchase fourteen different types of vacuums. Arrange them in an orchestra-type fashion, leaving room in the middle for the “conductor”. Turn them all on, and practice lecturing in tune with your “orchestra”. If you are tone deaf, don’t be discouraged. Just pick a note and stick with it.

2. If you find yourself in conversation, observe the person you are talking with. If they continually move away, chances are that you’re probably really loud (or bad breath, but that’s #3). You are going to be great in a first year University course, because the lack of interesting dialogue will be covered up by the fact that no one can sleep with someone who sounds like an intelligent buzz saw.
Training Tip: Pavarotti. Celine Dion. People on cell phones on the bus. What do they all have in common?

They’re all really loud. Your job is to be louder than all three. So in your preparation, play Dion on the tv, Pavarotti on your ipod, and have a heated conversation with a randomly dialed person.

3. Bad breath man. Chances are everyone around you knows that you have perpetual bad breath but you. Ask them.
Training Tip: Your job is to inhale echinacea with garlic three times a day until it seeps from your pores. Not only will it keep you from getting sick, body odor becomes your friend. Supplement your diet with a healthy dose of Curry Chips too. I ate a full bag once, and felt that my pores became biological pits similar to that of the seating area in a taxi cab.

4. If you’re angry and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re angry and you know it clap your hands. If you’re angry and you know it and you really want to show it…then feminism literature is for you. (One more time, and really sing it out this time!)
Training Tip: Go out and rent Rocky IV. This will inspire you to run through the snow FASTER than the imperialistic, colonial, oppressive picture of man (Rocky) and beyond the limits of the dogmatic, sexist, authoritarian Russian to reach to new limits (Think Girl Power! Tell me what you want, what you really really want!) Win at all costs! Take no prisoners!

5. If you speak in the middle of a room, and notice that people within 15 feet of you are cringing, you should consider becoming an English professor.
Training Tip: Find random objects in the room to get excited about.* Show your excitement by saying different words in a sentence at different octaves. Now practice: “YELLOW cheese!” [Remember, yellow should be said at a high note, cheese at a lower octave. Try again. “a WONDERMENT to behold that she sees a PIXIE over dust.”

Beautiful. One more. “A brick WALL” (likely representing THE MAN)!

*If this does not work, revert to Shakespeare.