Hello geniuses.
You’ve managed to log on the most incredible blog of wisdom you will ever encounter. As a self-proclaimed Doctor of University, having spent (or wasted) 8 or 9 years in some form of higher education, I am here to help you, dear student, to survive (perhaps even thrive) your university classes. Today I am experiencing one of the driest history classes in the record of dry history classes (coming to a university near you: HIST 976 – The History of History Classes…WATCH as the professor uses a dry erase marker at least once every FIVE classes…and then TRANSITIONS back into the drone of history…all in ONE class! YOU as a student are NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! Because the lectures will be interrupted by students exclaiming shouts of “GASP!” and “INCREDULOUS!” and “HALLELUJAH, bless you sir!”).
It is little wonder that students are not engaged in any sort of learning in history classes. If a man (or woman) stands on a street corner and rambles on about an event for 1 hour, 20 minutes, most of us will leave him be. That’s called insanity. However, in university, students pay over $500 to listen to the crazy-street-corner standing man (or woman). That’s called tragedy.
So, I want to equip you with the most updated, technologically savvy tips that you will need to to survive your next University History class. Prepare to have your life changed.
Surviving History 101
1. Ask yourself, “What would Chuck Norris do?” Not the current day Chuck Norris, but the one who was able to defend himself from at least seven different types of ninjas in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning. Chuck ran over bridges without fear. He sensed ninjas in the trees behind him. Look around the classroom, there are ninjas everywhere. And prepare to defend yourself.
2. Wear a sweater. If nothing else it’ll make you feel comfortable. I’m wearing one today. Chew your collar. And then, for comparison, chew your sleeve. Does it taste different? (if it does, it’s time to do a wash) I’ve just burned 2 minutes of your time.
3. Buy a guitar tuner. Try and match the guitar tone to the professor’s drone. See if he’s in tune and, if not, suggest that he try a different key.
4. Have a favorite number picked out, but don’t make it a single digit. Your professor is about to expect that you will be aware of irrelevant statistics of how many people owned small dogs with intestinal problems due to overurbanization in 1968. I’ve chose 98, and I’ve managed to say it three times this class.
How high was the divorce rate in 1950 in Canada?
98!
How high was the birth rate in Canada on Tuesdays of 1943?
Ninety-eight!
You’ll look like a genius.
5. Bring an audio translator. Lift it high in the air, and allow it to translate your professor’s lecture into Arabic. Hand in the transcript after class for bonus marks.
6. Bring at least five bags of potato chips, preferable the really noisy Sun Chips bags. Pick out four other students beside you, making sure that they can keep rhythm. Distribute the bags and pretend you’re in a band. The person with the rhythm is on drums.
7. You’ll need a pair of glittery red shoes. If the prof calls on you, close your eyes and click your heels three times repeating, “There’s no place like home.” Sit near the aisle so you can show off your shiny red shoes.
8. Bring a day planner! Remove the binder ring/phone cord thingy. Fold each page in half and see how many levels you can make on your tower. Current 2011 record – 4 levels!
9. Be environmentally friendly. Instead of buying a big binder to take notes in, buy three colors of post it notes. Green means important. Yellow is for factoids such as the minute that the last bullet of World War II was fired from a gun without dust on it (hint: think Monday). And pink is extraordinarily hard to read from, so use those on your fellow student’s foreheads at random moments during the class. Throw the green post-it notes away.
10. Haikus are crucial to learning. Make statements in class structured only in haiku. The rhythm of such wonderful poetry will lull the class into bliss, making them appreciate your input and vote you as “most likely to succeed at therapeutic counseling, working on CBC Radio 3 or hypnotizing Celine Dion and suggesting that she appear on the next Teletubbies movie.